First of all, I freaking hate the move from Daylight Savings Time. For some reason, this year has been so difficult for me to adjust to. I have spent most of the last 10 days in tears for no discernible reason.
I am really struggling with my job right now (in all honesty, that may be where many of the tears are coming from...). I just don't feel like I am doing any good, and no one cares. It isn't a job that's going to change the world, but I would like it to be a job that makes a difference. It isn't. At least, not right now. I'm not making a difference, the quality of my work these days is mediocre at best, and I'm really tired of walking into a place where I feel almost universally disliked. I don't like knowing that I'm talked about behind my back, by adults who are supposedly professionals; I don't like knowing that these same adults are calling me names. I really hate that they -- these "adults" -- won't take any kind of responsibility for their own performance, but rather blame it on me. I don't need to be adored in my workplace, but I at least deserve to be respected.
I am working on losing weight these days. While it has been successful (so far), I swing wildly between being proud of myself, being able to notice the changes and liking them, and feeling utterly unattractive. Sometimes I am so angry at myself for getting to this point, and have to fight to find some perspective (yes, but I'm doing something about it now). In extra bleak moments, I'm convinced that it won't make any difference. People will still see me as the fat girl; I'll still see me as the Fat Girl. Perspective is somewhat more difficult to find in these moments. Intellectually, I know that there is much more to me than my appearance, particularly my weight. Intellectually, I realize that if someone is going to love me, they will love ME as I am. Intellectually, I know that I have a lot to offer. Emotionally, however, none of this matters. Emotionally, I am just a shy fat girl, who hides behind snark and disdain. Emotionally...
I am vastly concerned about my body image. Most of the time, the best I can do for myself is "I'm not ugly." My friends and family tell me I'm pretty. I've even heard the word "gorgeous" a time or two. What is wrong with me that I can't see that? How do I fix this? Am I foolish to hope the weight loss will help? If it is this bad, can I allow myself to be loved?
You know how most people get married in the Spring? I can't dig it. If ever there is a wedding for me, it will be in the Autumn. Naturally, it makes sense (in my head) that I also want to fall in love in Autumn. I think the final months of the year are tailor-made for falling in love. I did once. I fell in love in the Fall. That relationship is long over, and while I don't miss it, or him, I miss that. I genuinely grieve for the time when I felt loved.
Can I just tell you that sometimes the Universe is a big asshole? (I'm totally calling the Universe out right now, and I WILL regret this, but seriously!) I went into the Top Stop the other day, to get a Diet Coke (or 3), and the gent behind the counter was very cute. Very. (I can hear some of you now: "But, he worked in a convenience store." I know, I know. That isn't really the point. And, yes, I know how snobbish that sounds.) He was also kind of flirty. He was very flirty. He complimented me on my sweater. (Yes, I know: that was really a veiled compliment to my boobs, but they did look amazing in that sweater...) I was flattered. I laughed. He laughed. He was married.
I'm trying to write a novel this month, and it isn't going that well. I may not finish. That's two years in a row. I feel like a huge failure. I've been working on this weepy, maudlin blog post for a week. Not a whole lot of perspective here, either. Oh, well. I'll do what I can.
If you've read this far, thanks for attending my pity party. I'm really not fishing for compliments here, nor am I looking for compliments. I just needed to vent. I have. Now, I will find some boot-straps with which to pull myself up by, and continue working on an attitude of gratitude (my goal since October's General Conference).