A Thought

It really sucks, a lot, when you realize that no matter how old you get, or how confident you try to be, or how emotionally strong you've been feeling, there are still situations -- and people -- who can make you feel pathetic; like the pity friend; like you are still, and will forever be, the delusional, fat, geeky, [insert disparaging adjective here] friend whom they are laughing at behind your back. And perhaps they are. Laughing at me, I mean. I can't care anymore. And while I did spend much of today feeling rather "less than," I'm going to be okay. Because I'm old enough now, and brave enough, to tell them to go to hell, with a sidecar of kiss my ass. 

And I think that's amazing. 

An Original

An old friend made this picture for me in assurance that I didn't utterly offend her when, as I am wont to do, I opened my mouth and shared an opinion. It was a kind and gracious thing to do; I'm grateful. And I love it.

Click to view in full size

Thank you, Mary Sunshine

Things I'm Loving Today:

1: The album Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons -- it is quirky, kicky and fun

2: Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna bars -- they are so delicious. I have one every day as my afternoon snack

3: 21 by Adele -- near perfection

4: Audiobooks -- every once in a while, I just want someone to read to me

5: The fireplace in my bedroom -- there are perks to living in your parents' basement...

Everything is Okay

Yes, it has been almost exactly 2 months since I posted something, and that's okay. I'm also going to talk about resolutions on this, the 18th of January, and the month is half over. But, remember from my last post that I said I had some emotional purging to do? It took longer than anticipated. Not just the purging part, but the refueling part. So, here we are. I have emerged, finally, fully, from a dark place.** I feel vulnerable and slightly thin-skinned; wobbly and new. I have a secret, though (one I just remembered myself): underneath that thin skin is steel. I'm vulnerable and wobbly while I work on remembering that it's there, but I'm strong. I am. And I'm not going to feel bad about trumpeting my own horn. I'm strong, and I'm going to be okay.

With this newly rediscovered strength comes determination. Determination to make sure that I'm okay. I've given myself permission, and I've made plans. Most people call these plans "resolutions," but since I have been staunchly anti-resolution for the last decade or so, I'm calling mine "me-solutions." For me, it's not about writing down what I'm going to do every day, or not do every day, or "this year I'm going to..." or "by the end of the year, I'll have..." Because guess what? I'm not concerned about the year. I'm not concerned about "I must do this" or "I must not do that." I'm concerned about being okay; I'm concerned about me: knowing who I am, being happy with that, and finding a balance for my life. If it takes me longer than this year, fine. I refuse to beat myself up when on January 1, 2012, I'm still working on me. 'Cause I'm still gonna be working on me. And that's okay. 

Thus, my me-solutions:

1) Budget. I have one. And it works, mostly. However, I have a tendency towards retail therapy, which can play serious hell with a budget. So, a firm goal for a certain amount in my savings account by the end of the year (some goals require a time frame), and a set plan --already implemented-- for getting it there. A more strict plan, which will restrict my retail therapy-ing. 

2) Food. I have a weird relationship to food. I'm going to figure it out. I will learn to see food as fuel for my body and mind, rather than as the emotional crutch I've been looking for. I also have a plan for this, newly implemented. I think it will work.

3) Balance. I need some. My life has become so work heavy that sometimes I forgot I have a life outside of it. This is the biggy, folks. I'm going to gain a greater work-life balance. (I also have this sneaking suspicion that if I can get this figured out, the retail therapy won't figure so heavily, nor will eating my feelings....) I have a plan for this, too. Several plans, really, to factor in all parts of my life. I will still be working. That isn't going anywhere, and I haven't figured out how to leave it in my office when I leave. I'm praying that these other things will help. I have made time for more communication with God. I'll continue to fulfill my calling in the best way I can. I'll spend as much time with my family as I can. I'll still snuggle with Daisy at every opportunity. I have agreed to tutor a neighborhood kid in reading. I will continue to make time for reading for pleasure. I have found some old crafts I was working on, and started again. I have figured out an exercise schedule. I'll continue singing in my small choir. I will start taking singing lessons again, for the first time since high school, this Thursday. I am terrified and ecstatic. I feel good, friends.

I like my plan. I see balance in it. I see this: "May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." --Neil Gaiman  

God bless all of you in this coming year. 

**Thank you, from my soul, to my family and friends who have stood by me while I wallowed in that dark place, and for your help in emerging. Thank you for loving me.

Here Be Dragons

I know I promised something more positive, but before that can happen, I think some emotional purging is in order. I used to just eat my feelings, but since I'm trying really hard not to do that so much these days, a blog post it is. The following will most likely be an emotional rant AND a whiny rave; you've been warned...

First of all, I freaking hate the move from Daylight Savings Time. For some reason, this year has been so difficult for me to adjust to. I have spent most of the last 10 days in tears for no discernible reason.

I am really struggling with my job right now (in all honesty, that may be where many of the tears are coming from...). I just don't feel like I am doing any good, and no one cares. It isn't a job that's going to change the world, but I would like it to be a job that makes a difference. It isn't. At least, not right now. I'm not making a difference, the quality of my work these days is mediocre at best, and I'm really tired of walking into a place where I feel almost universally disliked. I don't like knowing that I'm talked about behind my back, by adults who are supposedly professionals; I don't like knowing that these same adults are calling me names. I really hate that they -- these "adults" -- won't take any kind of responsibility for their own performance, but rather blame it on me. I don't need to be adored in my workplace, but I at least deserve to be respected.

I am working on losing weight these days. While it has been successful (so far), I swing wildly between being proud of myself, being able to notice the changes and liking them, and feeling utterly unattractive. Sometimes I am so angry at myself for getting to this point, and have to fight to find some perspective (yes, but I'm doing something about it now). In extra bleak moments, I'm convinced that it won't make any difference. People will still see me as the fat girl; I'll still see me as the Fat Girl. Perspective is somewhat more difficult to find in these moments. Intellectually, I know that there is much more to me than my appearance, particularly my weight. Intellectually, I realize that if someone is going to love me, they will love ME as I am. Intellectually, I know that I have a lot to offer. Emotionally, however, none of this matters. Emotionally, I am just a shy fat girl, who hides behind snark and disdain. Emotionally...

I am vastly concerned about my body image. Most of the time, the best I can do for myself is "I'm not ugly." My friends and family tell me I'm pretty. I've even heard the word "gorgeous" a time or two. What is wrong with me that I can't see that? How do I fix this? Am I foolish to hope the weight loss will help? If it is this bad, can I allow myself to be loved?

You know how most people get married in the Spring? I can't dig it. If ever there is a wedding for me, it will be in the Autumn. Naturally, it makes sense (in my head) that I also want to fall in love in Autumn. I think the final months of the year are tailor-made for falling in love. I did once. I fell in love in the Fall. That relationship is long over, and while I don't miss it, or him, I miss that. I genuinely grieve for the time when I felt loved.

Can I just tell you that sometimes the Universe is a big asshole? (I'm totally calling the Universe out right now, and I WILL regret this, but seriously!) I went into the Top Stop the other day, to get a Diet Coke (or 3), and the gent behind the counter was very cute. Very. (I can hear some of you now: "But, he worked in a convenience store." I know, I know. That isn't really the point. And, yes, I know how snobbish that sounds.) He was also kind of flirty. He was very flirty. He complimented me on my sweater. (Yes, I know: that was really a veiled compliment to my boobs, but they did look amazing in that sweater...) I was flattered. I laughed. He laughed. He was married.

I'm trying to write a novel this month, and it isn't going that well. I may not finish. That's two years in a row. I feel like a huge failure. I've been working on this weepy, maudlin blog post for a week. Not a whole lot of perspective here, either. Oh, well. I'll do what I can.

If you've read this far, thanks for attending my pity party. I'm really not fishing for compliments here, nor am I looking for compliments. I just needed to vent. I have. Now, I will find some boot-straps with which to pull myself up by, and continue working on an attitude of gratitude (my goal since October's General Conference).

Blah.

Oh, Hey, I Have a Blog!

Well, I missed October entirely. Which is too bad, because there were some perfectly lovely days that I should have noted. But, I got busy. Very, very busy.

More recently, I have been having a string of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days. Plus, it's dark by 5 pm. And I just.... can't...

I will post something more significant -- more positive -- soon. If only because I need a goal.

A Whiff of Fall in the Air

It was right chilly this morning. The leaves on the trees highest on the mountains are just starting to change colors. The air is more breathable. It's like welcoming home an old friend.